“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
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Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)