@Reverend_Scott

“I’m soooo tired!”

[lays down in bed]

“I’m soooo comfortable!”

Bladder: Sup bro

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@pilau

Interview Tip #3

speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself

[later]

Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?

Me: *confidently* nothing

@kelly__le

Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?

A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.

@ItsAnneMwaura

My Uber driver just said I sound like a CapitalFM presenter named Anne Mwaura.

@dafloydsta

[job interview]

“Tell me about yourself.”

I have a lot of experience.

“Great, can you elaborate?”

They’re bad experiences.

@ArfMeasures

Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you

Me: Where was he?

Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car

Me *impressed* he really went for it

@dog_feelings

the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do

@Bob_Janke

I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.

@JohnLyonTweets

Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.