“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
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This is my cat’s medicine.
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
my first day as a raccoon
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.