“I’m sorry” and “my bad” mean the same thing unless you’re at a funeral.

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Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.


I should probably never be a mom considering I’d rather drop a baby in a puddle than my iPhone


I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.

Then we switched.


Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’


Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.


Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?

Wife: No.

Son: Why not?

Wife: You want to jump in here?

Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.


Welcome to your 40s, sometimes you sleep so poorly you injure yourself


When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.


You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.


[Bucket Lists]
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon

1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer