@exador86

“I’m sorry” and “my bad” mean the same thing unless you’re at a funeral.

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@FinkHernandez

Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.

@karencreets

I should probably never be a mom considering I’d rather drop a baby in a puddle than my iPhone

@danagould

I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.

Then we switched.

@ashlar36

Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’

@Parkerlawyer

Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.

@ThugRaccoons

Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?

Wife: No.

Son: Why not?

Wife: You want to jump in here?

Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.

@CrunkDriver

Welcome to your 40s, sometimes you sleep so poorly you injure yourself

@evidentlyblonde

When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.

@kimtopher22

You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.

@LurkAtHomeMom

[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon

2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer