He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
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Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.