I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
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them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
I only eat vegetarians.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY