I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
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[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
😬
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day