I’m sorry but I strongly disagree

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I forgive you, but I hope your death is written, produced, and directed by Quentin Tarantino.


If a vampire bites his tongue, does his tongue become a vampire? Tongpire?


I wish I were a British fighter pilot.

Those dudes are Royal AF.


Cop: Are you drunk?

Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?

*stands on one foot*

Cop: ok first of all, ow


Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”

Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”


Don: You ask me this? On the day of my daughters wedding?


Don: No. A hot dog isn’t a sandwich.


(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.


Common courtesy: don’t bring McDonalds French fries on the plane unless you bring enough for everybody.


Pretty cool to think every time the Verizon guy said “Can you hear me now?” the NSA was quietly answering “Yes we can.”