@Noneed4pantzthx

I’m sorry but I strongly disagree

You Might Also Like

@SamuelHLowe

I forgive you, but I hope your death is written, produced, and directed by Quentin Tarantino.

@NotGaryBusey

If a vampire bites his tongue, does his tongue become a vampire? Tongpire?

@TuSoonShakur

I wish I were a British fighter pilot.

Those dudes are Royal AF.

@ArfMeasures

Cop: Are you drunk?

Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?

*stands on one foot*

Cop: ok first of all, ow

@Rollinintheseat

Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”

Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”

@crocodilethumbs

Don: You ask me this? On the day of my daughters wedding?

Me:

Don: No. A hot dog isn’t a sandwich.

@truegritrumble

(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.

@michaelianblack

Common courtesy: don’t bring McDonalds French fries on the plane unless you bring enough for everybody.

@prodigalsam

Pretty cool to think every time the Verizon guy said “Can you hear me now?” the NSA was quietly answering “Yes we can.”