@murrman5

“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”

You Might Also Like

@WhatTheFFacts

Boxer Sugar Ray dreamt of killing his opponent and backed out, but a priest convinced him to fight, he ended up killing the opponent.

@ThugRaccoons

Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.

Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.

@AlexvanBeek

Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”

@caithuls

Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class

@HansGrubertron

[Jurassic Park]

JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!

ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island

JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs

@Midgetspar

After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.

We believe you.

@SteveSuckington

Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.

@TheIronSherk

I can’t believe how different life was before

*googles*

Al Gore invented the Internet

@FINALLEVEL

ICE Cold Fact: If somebody owes you money… Put on your mask and pop up at their crib right now… They’re Home.