Boxer Sugar Ray dreamt of killing his opponent and backed out, but a priest convinced him to fight, he ended up killing the opponent.
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
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When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
I can’t believe how different life was before
Al Gore invented the Internet
ICE Cold Fact: If somebody owes you money… Put on your mask and pop up at their crib right now… They’re Home.