“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”

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Husband: What are you watching?

Me: *names any show* wanna watch?

Husband: Ugh, no thanks.

*plot twist on show*

Husband from other room: OMG WHAT?!?


Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.

Also me:


My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.

I thought there was something wrong with her.

Turns out she’s being R2-D2.


I watched Neil deGrasse Tyson talk about Milky Ways for an hour and I still have no idea what nougat is.


I’m not a nun goddammit. Unless my kids are on Twitter, in which case, I ONLY HAD SEX WITH YOUR DAD THREE (3) TIMES AND IT WASN’T FUN OK?!?


Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this


She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating site

But soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.


Making everyone happy is impossible. But pissing them off is a piece of cake. I like cake.


I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.


I’ve never understood the saying “you want some cheese with your whine?” Of course I want cheese. I always want cheese and also bring me some wine so I can be happy and get a buzz while I complain, please.