“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
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[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
Good advice.
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.