When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
You Might Also Like
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Wife: Holy shit
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
Hey online media: “Comfortability” isn’t a word. The noun you’re looking for is “comfort.” And it doesn’t need you to give it a fancy hat.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man