@80sjams

I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.

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@UncleDuke1969

When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”

@ArfMeasures

Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins

Wife: No you didn’t

Dog: Ruff

Me: See, wrath!

Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to

Dog: Gluttony

Wife: Holy shit

@TweetPotato314

Me: when is your birthday

Her: March 1st

Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?

@JenAshleyWright

Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.

@SethMacFarlane

Hey online media: “Comfortability” isn’t a word. The noun you’re looking for is “comfort.” And it doesn’t need you to give it a fancy hat.

@rachj0919

i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on

@CalebTenenbaum

If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…

@huntigula

Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet

@kelllicopter

i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once

@PaperWash

[death row]

Guard: alright tough guy one last meal

Me: a cyanide pill

Guard: what? no we want to kill you!

Me: too bad

Guard: aw man