Im sorry, but you only have two weeks to live

*slides the doctor a five dollar bill*

Ooooh make that 3 weeks buddy

*winks at loved ones*

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3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider


paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?

[from back of the room]: twitter


ME: can we pull over and get mcdonalds im hungry
KIDNAPPER: omg shut up


A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”


relationship tips:

– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?


ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood


There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…

..Frying the bacon


Parents: Never talk to strangers!

Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?