I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
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Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”