I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
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Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.