Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
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anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
Ouija board……”your going to die!”
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
CEO: really strong air