@Love_bug1016

I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.

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@rickolantern

Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,

It’s not going to cost ME anything.

@TheHyyyype

anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ

@neiltyson

QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.

@HatfieldAnne

Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.

@msevilroyslade

Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.

@UnFitz

The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.

@LoveNLunchmeat

Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…

and standing outside your door…

and playing the harmonica.

@mela_shea

[inventing potato chips]

CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?

Inventor: in a sturdy box

CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag

Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!

CEO: fill the bag with air

Inventor:

CEO: really strong air