I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.

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Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,

It’s not going to cost ME anything.


anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ


QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.


Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.


Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.


The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.


Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…

and standing outside your door…

and playing the harmonica.


[inventing potato chips]

CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?

Inventor: in a sturdy box

CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag

Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!

CEO: fill the bag with air


CEO: really strong air