It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
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Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
Social distancing in Australia:
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
Only short people can save us
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time