@bourgeoisalien

I’m sorry I asked if your toddler is a skinhead, but in my defense he is bald and always disproportionately angry.

You Might Also Like

@DaddyJew

7: what do you want for your birthday?

Me: idk a new car

7: ok *walks away*

[ 2 min later ]

7: what do you want that’s under $6.42?

@hermanntrude

Me: am I really me? Or am I some kind of soul inside a body

Body: don’t ask me I’m just a body

Brain: I’m in charge here, so you must be me

Me: but if I’m you, how am I thinking about us as different?

Head: *explodes*

@chrisdowning

If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.

@MikeDrucker

I’m so hungover that my thoughts sound like Sylvester Stallone.

@papasuncle

Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?

@usagiboiz

i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time

@JElvisWeinstein

“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.

@DrakeGatsby

Cop: Do you know how fast-

Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”

Cop: …Sir is that your son

Me: I don’t have a son

@bonehugsnirony

[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution