I’m sorry I asked if your toddler is a skinhead, but in my defense he is bald and always disproportionately angry.

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HER: I want to have sex so badly

ME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex


*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*

Me: How romantic.

*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*



You know what doesn’t cry? Birth control


If you want a waitress to leave you alone for a half hour, tell her you need 5 more minutes to order.


They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people


Mary Lincoln: we’re going to that play tonight, and that’s final!

Abe Lincoln: ugh… how can this day get any worse?


So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.


Your search – Bruno Mars not wearing a stupid hat – did not match any documents. Did you mean: Bruno Mars wearing a stupid hat.


Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂


[Seeing your baby for the first time]

Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.

Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.