7: what do you want for your birthday?
Me: idk a new car
7: ok *walks away*
[ 2 min later ]
7: what do you want that’s under $6.42?
I’m sorry I asked if your toddler is a skinhead, but in my defense he is bald and always disproportionately angry.
You Might Also Like
Me: am I really me? Or am I some kind of soul inside a body
Body: don’t ask me I’m just a body
Brain: I’m in charge here, so you must be me
Me: but if I’m you, how am I thinking about us as different?
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
I’m so hungover that my thoughts sound like Sylvester Stallone.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
mom: no politics tonight
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution