Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
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I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
Zack Greinke stories are the best
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
when someone rings the doorbell
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
My flabber has been gasted.
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!