I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.

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I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.

*me, talking to my dogs


{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?

BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.


hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her


Nothing says “I’m unemployed” like wishing for snow on Facebook.


Me: Take this

My Uber passenger: *holds gun in blood soaked car* WTF JUS HAPPENED?

Me: You tell me “Mr Finger prints on a murder weapon”


I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.


This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.


Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]


Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.


“Omg, I literally just died”

-people who literally don’t know what literally means