I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
You Might Also Like
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
My boss called in sick of me
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
Saturday
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up