*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
I’m sorry I broke your finger, but seriously, what did you expect would happen when you tried to eat the last two fries off my plate?
You Might Also Like
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
I have to admit that while kids are a great gift I still prefer to play with the box they came in.
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
me hitting on a model
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
If Reese Witherspoon doesn’t call her poop “Reese’s Feces” she’s missing out on a clear opportunity to be awesome.
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.