@MartaEffing

I’m sorry I broke your finger, but seriously, what did you expect would happen when you tried to eat the last two fries off my plate?

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@Mom_Overboard

*arriving home as my house burns down*

Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.

Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.

@VerbsRProudest

Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.

@realHamOnWry

I have to admit that while kids are a great gift I still prefer to play with the box they came in.

@PajamaStew

“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!

@ThugRaccoons

Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer

Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?

@leechee420

If Reese Witherspoon doesn’t call her poop “Reese’s Feces” she’s missing out on a clear opportunity to be awesome.

@RadiationGhoul

My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”

Please send help, I’m am deceased.