Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
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Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
As the Lord intended
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
They got Raph!
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars