@Mom_Overboard
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
@MartaEffing
I’m sorry I broke your finger, but seriously, what did you expect would happen when you tried to eat the last two fries off my plate?
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@Mom_Overboard
@VerbsRProudest
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
@realHamOnWry
I have to admit that while kids are a great gift I still prefer to play with the box they came in.
@joeldanger
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
@UncleDuke1969
me hitting on a model
@PajamaStew
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
@warmyellowlight
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
@ThugRaccoons
Her: Stop telling my friends youβre a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
@leechee420
If Reese Witherspoon doesn’t call her poop “Reese’s Feces” she’s missing out on a clear opportunity to be awesome.
@RadiationGhoul
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
