Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
You Might Also Like
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?