@justokpanda

I’m sorry I can’t make your party but this LEGO treehouse submarine skate park princess castle isn’t just going to build itself

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@NateMorrising

He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.

@pleatedjeans

Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message

@Jonesy_donkey

My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.

She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.

I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”

She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.

@Chhapiness

My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti

@Contwixt

THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.

@carlyken

me: I’ll pay you five bucks to pick all the helicopters out of my flowerbeds
my kid: Mom, I make more than that losing a tooth
me: *muttering under my breath* not anymore you don’t

@bourgeoisalien

My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.

@NotYourSoulmate

Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.

@andraswf

I’m not drinking by myself.

I’m self-employed and this is my corporate Christmas party.