I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
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wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
Salad is the decaf of food.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.