I’m sorry I can’t make your party but this LEGO treehouse submarine skate park princess castle isn’t just going to build itself

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He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.


Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message


My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.

She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.

I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”

She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.


My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti


THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.


me: I’ll pay you five bucks to pick all the helicopters out of my flowerbeds
my kid: Mom, I make more than that losing a tooth
me: *muttering under my breath* not anymore you don’t


My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.


Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.


I’m not drinking by myself.

I’m self-employed and this is my corporate Christmas party.