@SadieSkyNinja

I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.

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@IvoryGazelle

Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole

@WilliamAder

Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.

@better_off_dad

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WebMD: Dude. Just call 911.

@msred1973

My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.

@justabloodygame

[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”

@MouthOfSass

While I appreciate your enthusiasm, auto flush toilet, I kinda wanted to see that.

@BoogTweets

*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”

@BoogTweets

[first date]

Me: so what do you do

Her: I’m a stay at home mom

Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house