@BritXNic

I’m sorry I committed a home invasion but somebody had to do something about those carpets.

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@TheAlexNevil

WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]

@BlindVigil

Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:

When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?

@PastorBate

Dear diary,

Sometimes it just seems like I can’t tell if something is an inanimate object or a person

My therapist: Yes that’s quite clear

@JasonLight73

Duck you AutoCorrect! You Blimb! I’m way more BadApps than you make me out to be! You Ducking piece of shed..BuckFace Toothless Bastilleday!

@TheCatWhisprer

My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.

@upsidedowntrash

Friend: Do you know karate?

Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.

@DaddyJew

9: can I go play at TJ’s house?

Me: who?

9: TJ, you’ve met him like a thousand times

Me: no idea

9: he lives 2 houses down

Me: not ringing a bell

9: they have a yellow dog

Me: oh..Bark Whalberg’s house? Yea that’s fine

@AnkCoupleTO

Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul

Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please

@Cpin42

My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.