@BritXNic: I'm sorry I committed a home invasion but somebody had to do something about those carpets.
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@paraicodonnell: I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
@LackOfShame: Women, when you say: "We should move into a better house." A man hears: "My plan is to force you to work till the day you die."
@Social_Mime: Wife - You ate all of the Reeses eggs? Me - You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
@breadzeppellin: My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.