When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
I’m sorry I committed a home invasion but somebody had to do something about those carpets.
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but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
Twitter is awesome. You can have a boyfriend right in your phone.
Available at all times.
Unless his wife’s around.
new tinder idea: upload all my photos upside down so girls turn their phone to look at them, obviously realise am ugly and swipe left but of course that’s now actually right bing bang boom match
Sorry I booped your nose during your meltdown ..
a lot to take in here.
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
clutches my newly bought loaf of bread nervously as i walk past the duck pond