@BritXNic

I’m sorry I committed a home invasion but somebody had to do something about those carpets.

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@heyitsJudeD

When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.

@SimoneGiertz

but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??

asking for a friend

@KylePlantEmoji

Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?

Advisor: let me take their temperature

Queen: ?

Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king

Queen: how do you know?

Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises

@2sassymom

Twitter is awesome. You can have a boyfriend right in your phone.
Available at all times.

Unless his wife’s around.

@human_dis4ster

new tinder idea: upload all my photos upside down so girls turn their phone to look at them, obviously realise am ugly and swipe left but of course that’s now actually right bing bang boom match

@patnspankme

The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.

@wolfpupy

clutches my newly bought loaf of bread nervously as i walk past the duck pond