@BritXNic: I'm sorry I committed a home invasion but somebody had to do something about those carpets.
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@shariv67: People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one's laughing now. Wait.
@WhatevaConc: People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
@Samiam556: Walks you into the bedroom. Stands you up straight against the wall. *you notice the sign that says "You must be this tall to ride this guy"