I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
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5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
Aight bet
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.