I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
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A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
my astrological sign is a french fry
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood