I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
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At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
happy friday
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
I triple waxed for this?
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!