Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
I’m sorry, I don’t think I can do this
*Pushes salad aside*
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Sprawled out on piano
I’m in the mood for a melody.
I’m in the moooood.
Bartender: that’s it. No more Shirley Temples for you.
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
70 yr old boss: i have the body of a fit 30 yr old.
Me: where? Buried in your rose garden?
I could’ve sworn there was less grunting and moaning the last time I put these pants on…
Maybe the donut in my mouth muffled it
6 to his brother: Hey man, all I want is some oatmeal and a nap.
It’s a joy raising an 80 year old man.
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*