I’m sorry, I don’t think I can do this

*Pushes salad aside*

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Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it


Sprawled out on piano

I’m in the mood for a melody.
I’m in the moooood.

Bartender: that’s it. No more Shirley Temples for you.


People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:

Samwise’s Lord of the Wings

Tyler Durden’s Chowder House

Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)

Short Round’s Tempura of Doom



[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]

*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this


If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.


70 yr old boss: i have the body of a fit 30 yr old.
Me: where? Buried in your rose garden?


I could’ve sworn there was less grunting and moaning the last time I put these pants on…

Maybe the donut in my mouth muffled it


6 to his brother: Hey man, all I want is some oatmeal and a nap.

It’s a joy raising an 80 year old man.