My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
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I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
Kermit goes Blue.
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.