I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
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Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!