I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
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There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
Said the murderer.
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
ibopfufen
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep