I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
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Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend