@checkyourfox

I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.

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@ClareCoffey

How To Talk To A Woman Wearing Headphones

1. Create a podcast

@TrueTorontoGirl

I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.

@GingerHotDish

[Me at the gym]

Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?

@NicestHippo

BEAR JUDGE: Counsel, this is your last warning, you cannot–

LAWYER: *plays dead*

BEAR JUDGE: Where did he go

@BackrowSeats

Some people might find a grown man talking to himself strange, & it’s probably the couple sitting next to me.

@PaperWash

me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed

GF: it’s ok lol

[middle of the night]

me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana

@KyleMcDowell86

*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.

@huntigula

GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess

@Dawn_M_

WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.