I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
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Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower