I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
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prepare for carbonated trouble
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
My kitchen overserved me.
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
A French press is when you hug naked
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.