I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
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I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
Need WebMD
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
looks legit
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.