I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.

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ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.


Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one


Welcome to twitter, where nobody uses their right to remain silent.


There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.


[at a movie theater]

Cashier: Can I help u?

Me: One large cornpop please

C: Sir it’s the other way around

Me: Ok- can I help u?


Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?

*holds out hands*

Me: I brought you a box of donut.


“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”

~me, as a marriage counselor


I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.


Me: we should probably go to bed

Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning

Me: ok