ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
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Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
Welcome to twitter, where nobody uses their right to remain silent.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?
*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning