I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
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Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
*lint rolls you awake*
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…