if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
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I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
my proudest tweet
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”