12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
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(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.