@jeepwave7

I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language

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@Holy_Mowgli

[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]

Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened

@thesulk

How do male civil unions not end with the phrase “I dude”?

@FierceMess

Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.

@becabird

Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.

@FeverFlave

As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.

@ThatRascalPuff

Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus

@AimeeHelene1

From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.

@TheRolo

Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired

Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]

Hipster: I’ll take 4