I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language

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[shark tank]

ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap

HOST: have you considered the bible belt

ME: yes we predict good sales there


“ok start it up”
“give it some gas”
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”


*Guy tries giving me his phone number*

Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one


*Notices that boss is about to walk into glass door*
*Lets nature run its course*


Can you imagine the reaction 20 years ago if you showed people a photo album filled with pictures you took of yourself in the bathroom?


*being abducted by aliens*

Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?


“‘Earth’ without ‘the’ is just ‘ar’.” – Pirates

If you haven’t seen “Earth without art is just eh” then you prolly didn’t like this tweet.


If she calls me lazy again, I swear I’ll get off this couch and go take a nap in bed.


boss: do you know why i’ve called you in
me: yea, its because you wanted me to check your vibes
boss: no its very serious its because you– wait what are my vibes like
me: theyre vibin
boss: ok. anyway it says here you’ve been embezzling corporate funds


To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.