I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
You Might Also Like
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
guys i’ve cracked the code
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.