I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
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Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
Swedish for common sense.
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.