I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
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I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
Doug is just Canadian for dog
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.