I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
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me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL