I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
You Might Also Like
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
Jail
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.