@jctwritesstuff

I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.

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@Robert_Beau

Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.

@Cheeseboy22

Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”

@ch000ch

OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM

@captainolya

the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes

@Love_bug1016

[date]

him: I loved Captain Marvel.

me: Me too!

him: What was your favorite part?

me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling

@neiltyson

i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.

@TheDailySchmuck

*wakes up after all night party*

*rolls over*

*rolls over*

*rolls over*

How did I get on this escalator?

@SCBamaMan

This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.

@TheTweetOfGod

America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.