I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
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“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.