I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.

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The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.


If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.



Pam wants everyone to know what a great husband Don has been these last 8 years & for making her so very happy!


I once broke up with a guy who thought the toilet paper should roll out from the bottom.

I’m kidding of course. I don’t date savages.


[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her


The get rich or die trying philosophy on life is going terribly one sided for me.


the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram


5yo’s pretending she’s a tourist at a hotel. All good, but I draw the line when my services are criticized because the “toilet’s too cold.”


Some lady at the gas station told me I was a giant prick, I smiled and said thanks….. I thought I was just average. 🍆😏