@LackOfShame

I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.

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@Cryptoterra

The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.

@Norsebysw

If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.

@Doyle_McLain

BREAKING NEWS ON FACEBOOK!

Pam wants everyone to know what a great husband Don has been these last 8 years & for making her so very happy!

@smiles_and_nods

I once broke up with a guy who thought the toilet paper should roll out from the bottom.

I’m kidding of course. I don’t date savages.

@david8hughes

[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her

@BackrowSeats

The get rich or die trying philosophy on life is going terribly one sided for me.

@chrissyteigen

the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram

@The_JRM

5yo’s pretending she’s a tourist at a hotel. All good, but I draw the line when my services are criticized because the “toilet’s too cold.”

@RauschJohn1

Some lady at the gas station told me I was a giant prick, I smiled and said thanks….. I thought I was just average. 🍆😏