@avainwordland

I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.

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@aissalanis

Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!

My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.

@heatherlou_

*slips seductively out of shorts*

You know what that means…

*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*

*drools a little*

@JimmerThatisAll

What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.

@LetMeStart

8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.

@TheRealRobG

If I ignored your call, please send me a text that says “I called you.”….

(sarcasm)

@VerbsRProudest

I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.

@iamburtjarvis

lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.

me: what was the hearing for?

lawyer: WHAT?

me: the hearing.

lawyer: WHAT?

@UnFitz

I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.

@TheNYAMProject

So many things changing daily.

For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.