I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.

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Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!

My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.


*slips seductively out of shorts*

You know what that means…

*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*

*drools a little*


What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.


8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.


If I ignored your call, please send me a text that says “I called you.”….



I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.


lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.

me: what was the hearing for?

lawyer: WHAT?

me: the hearing.

lawyer: WHAT?


I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.


So many things changing daily.

For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.