I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
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Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.