@SondraDeeMe

I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.

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@kevinseccia

When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?

@OneFunnyMummy

All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.

-lies parents tell themselves

@BrentTerhune

Just made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem. I call it my trail mix.

@RCKruseKontrol

I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??

@IncrediblyRich

After six years of being responsible, I finally went and lost my phone last night. I’m currently using Twitter from the web. LIKE A CAVEMAN.

@TheAlexP

Does laundry while drinking

*somehow washes a lampshade

@geowizzacist

(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)

Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.

That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.

@junejuly12

If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.

If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.