I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.

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When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?


All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.

-lies parents tell themselves


Just made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem. I call it my trail mix.


I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??


After six years of being responsible, I finally went and lost my phone last night. I’m currently using Twitter from the web. LIKE A CAVEMAN.


Does laundry while drinking

*somehow washes a lampshade


(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)

Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.

That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.


If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.

If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.