I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
You Might Also Like
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
“the only thing standing between you and your dreams is you” yeah have you met me that’s gonna be a problem
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
waiting for halloween be like:
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
Today is International “Hug Your Cat” day. Which means tomorrow is International “Band-aid and Neosporin” day.
Safety first
i just got an email from our hr department informing us that, “regrettably”, our office has become “inundated” with raccoons and as of this morning, after an incident where one raccoon fell thru the ceiling, they’ve decided to let us work from home
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times