Well, I was in a huge hurry until you started driving 1 inch from my bumper. Now, I’ve got all the time in the world.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
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I go to McDonald’s once a month just to replenish the napkin stash in my car
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
Apparently, when your boss asks you to get a cake for a coworker’s 60th birthday, ‘cake’ is not code for ‘stripper.’
Live & learn, guys.
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me