I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
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I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End