I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
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If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.