My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
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Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
angel: they’re making great progress with the vaccine
god: murder hornets
god: murder hornets everywhere
angel: why god
god: 2020 mf
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
I paid My 11 old $10 to do the dishes, so on her way to the bathroom I mugged her…because, you know, life lesson.
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.