I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
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Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
Legend 🤣🤣
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.