DATE: I like guys who show their sensitive side
ME [through mouthful of ice cream] this hurts my teeth
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
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Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
People who wait 3 hours to respond to a text “LOL” should be punched in the neck.
Your not fooling anybody. You weren’t LOLing that long.
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
If you ever say ‘I seen’ in a sentence. I will never sleep with you.
Under any circumstances.
*including zombie apocalypse
I used to be married, but I’m better now
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.