@SvnSxty

I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper

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@bartandsoul

Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.

@pilau

angel: they’re making great progress with the vaccine

god: murder hornets

angel: what

god: murder hornets everywhere

angel: why god

god: 2020 mf

@WilliamAder

Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?

@sarcasticmommy4

Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*

@TheBoydP

How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?

Men – 2

Women – 1,768

@ShortSleeveSuit

ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile

CELLMATE: no

@RevReee

I paid My 11 old $10 to do the dishes, so on her way to the bathroom I mugged her…because, you know, life lesson.

@954LeenO

Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.