I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper

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Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.


angel: they’re making great progress with the vaccine

god: murder hornets

angel: what

god: murder hornets everywhere

angel: why god

god: 2020 mf


Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?


Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*


How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?

Men – 2

Women – 1,768


ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile



I paid My 11 old $10 to do the dishes, so on her way to the bathroom I mugged her…because, you know, life lesson.


Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.