Me: I hate this. The bears freak me out.
Him: Babe don’t be silly.
Bear, textin from right outside my tent at 3am: u up?
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
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Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
Holding a friend’s phone for her. Just texted “put a ring on it” to five random male names. Stay tuned.
I just walked in on two coworkers crying in a conference room and I was like, “mind if I join?”
Diversity: “I have a boyfriend”
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.