I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
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Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.