I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
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“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*